Life

Many of you have asked us the question "when are you going to have kids?" lately and if you talked among yourselves you would probably learn that none of you have heard the same answer. That is because I have been telling little white lies to many of my friends around me to cover up what is really going on. I thought this nightmare of a trial would be long behind us by now and it is not so I feel that it is time to clear up the air so I can stop hiding behind my white lies.

Most all of our friends know that we lost a baby in April. It was very difficult for us and the most horrible thing I had ever been through in my life up until that point. I can't begin to describe the pain  I went through emotionally, but it was very hard. Luckily we were on spring break and I had a week to hide at home and mourn our loss for a week. That week passed and it was time to get back to school so we picked ourselves up and carried on. The doctor told us it was very likely that our next pregnancy I would carry to full term and that gave us great hope as we began to try for another baby.

In May I learned I was pregnant again but only because I was having a lot of pain. To spare all the details, at the same time we found out we were expecting we also learned we were loosing the baby. This time hit me much harder. This was our second loss within a few months. After our first loss I didn't think my heart could hurt anymore but I soon discovered that it could. My mom dropped everything she was doing and came to stay with us for a couple of months to help us through this difficult time. We suspected that something wrong was going on but didn't have the health insurance to pay for the tests required at this point.

The next few months life was a blur. Kelsey got a new job, we graduated, got 2 puppies, and found the house we were going to buy. This trial seemed to be placed on hold and I thought maybe it was over and those were just two "flukes" In October I found out I was pregnant again. It wasn't because of pain this time so I felt hopeful. A few hours later I found out we would again not be carrying this baby to full term. As with the other times, I didn't know my heart could break and hurt anymore but it did again. We knew that this probably wasn't a "fluke" thing anymore. We are now being seen by a doctor in hopes that she can help us solve our problem.

Some days are harder than others. Some mornings I wake up and hope that it was just some horrible nightmare I was having and it is over. These are the days I wish I could hide away at home. These are the days I have to fight back the tears through every sentence. These are the days I try to avoid Facebook in fear another one of my friends will post she is having a baby. While I am truly happy for them, it feels as though it is just salt being poured into a huge open wound. These are the days I feel all hope is gone and I feel helpless.  I wish I could say that I knew when this trial would be over. I long for a baby every day and my heart hurts because it isn't happening for us. 

I share this expereince with all of you not only to clear up the air but hopefully shed some light on this trial. It is hard for me to answer the question "when are you going to have kids" because I don't know what to say. I am a very priavte person and this is not something I enjoy talking about. I am not seeking pitty, I am just looking for some understanding. Understanding to women who cannot have children or are having a difficult having children. The questions asked about when children will come are not ones that most want to answer. It reminds me of the fact that Kelsey and I still do not have children. I am just asking for a little sensitivty. When you see a women who does not yet have children, maybe asking when they are going to have children is not quite the appropriate question. I don't want anyone who has asked me this to feel guilty, trust me before this happened to me the thought never crossed my mind. I have learned to become less assuming and more understanding. 

As for now, we continue to find joy in our lives through other things. We must carry on because that is life and pray everyday that we may be blessed with a precious baby and the gift of life. I know that one day Kelsey and I will be with our 3 precious sons or daughters and we will be reunited as a family. As for now, I know they are our little angels protecting us and I am forever grateful for that knowledge. 

I read this article this week and he touched on many points that I feel he could describe better than me. If you would like to read more on this go here.